He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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