We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
