don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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