FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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