im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i out mim tonsoeep
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