No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
