rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
