Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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