Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
