There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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