i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize