my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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