I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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