Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He better not be in your backpack
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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