This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize