what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
