just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
