The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
