It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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