i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
