apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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