I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
