I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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