First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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