If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
