PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
