I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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