Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
