Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
