Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
