dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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