I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
