what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
