i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
