I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize