Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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