Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
