bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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