Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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