i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
