mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
