I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
