What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
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I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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