Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
