I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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