I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
