Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
