Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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