Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
