They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
