haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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