my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
But theres a keg here and me gusta
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
