if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
