My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm determined to sit on that face.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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