Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
