Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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