so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
