Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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