If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
