I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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