turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We got so high we made milksteak
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
